Weird Sex Scenes is an ongoing series on Can You Dig It? chronicling the creepiest, most puke-inducing and life-scarring sexy times popular culture has to offer. Check out more posts here.
Having willingly watched an unhealthy amount of crappy films, I've perfected the art of recognising when a story is heading into weird-sex territory from a mile off. Unfortunately, 90% of the time, this is usually what goes down, and as a result of my bad-but-oh-so-good film love, I've had to sit through an excruciating amount of horrifically torturous sex scenes, so much so that I could consider myself an expert on the subject (not that is necessarily something I'd be flaunting on my CV).
Films, apparently these days, can't seem to get enough of that fun ol' sexy-time. Just look at the sort of trailers getting released - even if there is one, small little moment where someone is FURIOUSLY MAKING OUT with another character, it's made to be some massive big plot-line like anyone gives a fuck. I know I can't whack off merely based on the promise that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are going to be awkwardly touching one another's faces and kiss minus-saliva (or, as word have it, that may not be the case anymore), so who the hell else can?
It's not just films that are offenders of cringe-worthy sex scenes - comics, books and TV are, too. The amount of fucked up shit that comic characters end up doing is beyond me, and TV and books - I'm looking at you young adult fiction - certainly fairs no better.
Instead of trying not to relive those horrible film, comic, book and TV moments, where, at the time I'd be praying for someone to hurry up and get their faked (or drawn/written) orgasm out of the way, I thought, "Why not compile a list of these scenes so everyone can equally find them as creepy, awkward, or just downright weird as I did?". This is the kind of logic I operate on.
For the first entry among (I am sure) many that will appear in both film, comic, book and TV form - I'll update these whenever I come across a scene that is fitting, or can remember one -, there is a film that immediately comes to mind when I think weird sex in films outside of porn. And, for all those lucky people out there who've had the chance to watch Splice, you'll know why. For the rest of you, follow with caution.
Thankfully, I've only sat down to watch Splice once, and it couldn't have been in a more suited and odd situation (five people in the cinema not including myself, two - a couple - the other three, really old men). Waiting to go into work in the afternoon, I decided I'd pass the time and watch a film, and Splice was the choice. I'd heard good things about it; the twist at the end - I love me a good 'ol twist - and how, generally, it was considered to be quite creepy in the good sorta way. Seemed like my kind of film.
Verdict: It wasn't my kind of film.
The basic premise to Splice is a lot like the 1995 film Species (which I watched fairly recently and enjoyed). In Species, a government group create a human/alien creature by mixing human and alien DNA. Splice is the story of two scientists who illegally blend human DNA with various different types of animal DNA. Both films not only deal with the consequences that come after these 'inhuman' scientific experiments, but they have the shared similarity of having a common 'mating' theme - the two lead women in Splice and Species really wanna get their shit on and keep their new-found race alive, and in order to do that they've got to find some willing men to rock their worlds.
Specieshas its fair share of nearly there, but not quite, sex scenes. And when it does get to the crunch, the moment in question could be a worthy contender for this feature. Unlike Species, Splice is a double-whammy - we're not treated to just one weird sex scene, no, we have the delight of two equally-dodgy messes (no pun intended, but if there was meant to be a pun, I'd have to get all arrogant on that shit and pat myself on the back). Though the second - and one of the final scenes - in Splice involves rape (which shouldn't classify as sex i.e no consent = rape, not sex), I'll still mention it anyway, based on the mere fact that the repercussions of that scene after are so laughable that it kind of makes watching the film semi-worth while.
The first scene centers round Adrien Brody's character, Clive. Throughout the course of the film, he was the most reluctant to go through with the hybrid plan, unlike his girlfriend, Elsa (Sarah Polley), who he later finds out used her own human DNA to help create the creature they named Dren (Delphine Chanéac). Eventually, he comes to accept their sort-of child instead of calling her a 'specimen', and when Elsa and Dren have a spat, Clive's shoulder is the one Dren leans on.
Like Sil, the human/alien character in Species, Dren grows up fast. One minute she's a little girl, the next, she's got boobs and everything. And by God does Adrien Brody notice she's one horny young woman.
When Dren makes moves toward Clive, he ignores her advances. But everyone knows you can't resist a chick with wings and a tail, and so, like all hot-blooded humans, he - quite literally - lays his guard down and get's 'busy' (see below).
So, we've already got one weird factor here - a human having sex with a human crossed between a variety of animals. Yes, humans are technically animals too, but the mixture of DNA that has been put into Dren makes her breathing function to perfection underwater, so you know she's like a fish, or something. Could this technically be bestiality?
You'd think the weirdness would end here, but it really doesn't - not by a long shot. As established earlier, Dren has a good amount of Elsa's DNA in her. Clive's girlfriend is Elsa, as said. Clive is having sex with, essentially, Elsa's daughter, who he has acted as a father towards through a fair bit of the film. I'd say that's the closest to incest you could possibly get without it being actual incest.
And if the hope of incest wasn't enough for these two, shit gets more crazy later on, which brings me up to the rape scene.
Rape scenes are a tricky one in film because, well, it's rape. There are ways to go about doing rape scenes that can be horrific (see American History X, Midnight Cowboy) or just absurd (see, well, Splice). Even the word rape sends off a trigger in me that it is a bad thing (of course it is, it's horrible). Splice doesn't treat the scene I'm speaking about as rape, which is what it is. It's only there as a plot device, gearing you up for the stupid ending in store.
Cutting to the chase, Dren goes bat-shit mental. Before making Dren, Clive and Elsa were experimenting on living organisms they called Fred and Ginger, of which some of their DNA was used for Dren. While caring for Dren, the couple completely forgot about the progression of Fred and Ginger (I'd fire them), and it turns out that Fred and Ginger end up killing each other. Along with that, Ginger also turns into a dude. Yeah, it's totally plausible.
Naturally, the same thing happens to Dren - to keep her new race alive and kicking, she's got to get pregnant. Or at least get someone pregnant. And here is where a plan comes to fruition - she changes into a dude and then rapes, technically, her own mother. You read that right, that's exactly what happened.
Concluding the end to the already-laughable film, Elsa - now pregnant - is seen to be gearing up to sell the child she is now bearing to the company she works for, N.E.R.D.
I did warn you this was weird.