The Expendables


Don't mess with Terry, Jason - he'll have your fucking eye out, mate
The Expendables, would you believe it or not, is actually really fucking boring. Had it featured genuine bad-ass moments like I (and the whole planet) had pictured, this post would be heading in a far different direction. The film, if it were any good on any kind of level - funny or otherwise -, should have been an enjoyable romp featuring old men firing up their blowtorches, aimlessly burning shit and reciting old-time classic bad men quotes. That's what I wanted; it's not what I got. To think the dad from Everybody Hates Chris was the baddest-ass. He had an automatic machine gun, what did Jason Statham have? Precious knives, that's what. And don't get me started on Stallone or Li.

While The Expendables dragged on, and on, and on, feeling more like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button  all over again, I found a number of things that were more enjoyable than watching the film in its 103 minute running time. Here are some of those things:

  • Drinking water
  • Staring at the ceiling
  • Looking at the time on my phone, wondering when the torture will end like that scene in Casino Royale where Daniel Craig is getting whacked in the balls
  • Checking my phone to see if one of my invisible friends had texted me
  • Mentioning, on multiple occasions, that The Expendables was disappointing, lame, and needed to be turned off as soon as possible
  • WHYTHEFUCKISTHERENOARNIERAGEIDON'TEVENCAREANYMORE
  • Laughing at the fact the only character's name that either Robert (who I was watching it with and my partner in bad-film crime) or I could recall was called Christmas. This ain't no James Bond shit
  • Talking about watching Crank, the FUCKING MENTAL Jason Staham film because I hadn't seen it
  • Trying to come up with reasons to why I'd never watched Crank 
  • Listening to Robert explain the storyline to Crank 
  • Hearing Crank was significantly better on the funny-scale than The Expendables
  • Waiting for The Expendables to end so I could watch Crank
  • Wondering if there was a decent, playable link for Crank on 1channel.ch
  • Thinking about Crank
  • Robert commenting on the bad-dye job on Stallone's facial and head hair
  • Nearing the end of The Expendables, it's coming 
  • Thinking about Crank some more
  • The closing scene - it was over
  • Making fun of The Boys Are Back In Town playing over the credits. Way to inject the camp, next the XXX rated cut of a gay orgy gang bang called The Extendables. It's about a group of old men who can extend their dicks to unholy sizes, like Stretch Armstrong but cooler and with more purpose
  • The black screen indicating the film was over and knowing that, for the rest of my days, that would be the one and only watch of *shudder* The Expendables 

SIDENOTE: Robert and I did watch Crank after and oh my was it worth it

21 comments

  1. Damn. And my brother was really hyped for this movie...oh well. He's a big fan of Jason Statham (or at least enjoys doing a poor imitation of his voice), so I guess I'd be better off pointing him in Crank's direction.

    Better luck next time, Expendables. Till then, I've got books to read.

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    1. I was so amped for it too! I've heard the sequel is better, so here is hoping that it will provide the 'lols factor' that I wanted with this one. And actually have a story that kind of makes sense. (If they do bother with a story, which probably would make it better if they didn't, surprisingly.)

      And man, do mention Crank to your brother, it's one of the funniest-awesome films I've seen in a while!

      Delete
  2. Your a strong man than I am. I went to see this when it was in theaters and I walked out at around the third act. I have had more interest in what happened to the Aquabats than I did any of the people in this movie.

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    1. I meant stronger. Damn my misspellings.

      Delete
    2. I am impressed that you went to see this in the cinema, and managed to stick it out until the third act. That takes a strong man!

      Misspellings are like the person who thinks that they're your friend, but really not - just the hanging on kind of weirdo. I feel your pain there!

      Delete
  3. A lot better than the first because of the loads and loads of carnage that were involved and also just how much more fun everybody seems to be having. In my opinion, fun is all that matters when you have a flick like this. Nice review Cherokee.

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    1. That's good to know! I have heard that it ups the anti by quite a lot on the hilarity and fun side of things for the 2nd outing, so I'll take your word for it too.

      Yeah, completely agree with you. If this film was remotely fun, then the review (or list really) would be something entirely different and I would have really enjoyed it no doubt.

      And thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

      Delete
  4. Wow ... that does suck. When an ACTION movie is boring, it's time to quit and go home. Not a big fan of action flicks, myself, but I know they're definitely supposed to be ... well ... action packed.

    I LOVE your sense of humor!

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    1. You're so right - action films, well,they just can't be boring. You go in there expecting some major badass blow out, and come out with a story that made no sense in anyway whatsoever and an extremely pointless film.

      Thanks Stephanie!

      Delete
  5. Hahahaha...oh dear. I've yet to see it, probably won't. I love your write up!

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    1. I'd say avoid this one for sure. I'm usually not one to say avoid films but honestly, there was nothing redeemable about it at all.

      Guys commenting here and views from other people do say that the 2nd one is better, so maybe start with that one? Have to wait and see if it is a continuation of this dire story, though!

      Delete
  6. Haha. Great review! Crank is WAY better than The Expendables, but it's not hard to be. :)

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    1. Thanks, Josh. And yeah, Crank is way better, but like you said, it isn't really a feat to top when it comes to The Expendables.

      Delete
  7. Haha, great post! Crank is one mental movie, for sure, the second part is even more sick. I love Statham so I saw those films a bunch of times :)

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    1. Thanks Sati!

      Crank definitely was wayyy much better than I even thought it would be, which was a real surprise since I was completely hyped for that film while watching The Expendables.

      Going to check out the Crank 2 as soon as I can!

      Delete
  8. First Expendables movie.... definitely boring. I don't remember a single scene from that one. Thankfully the second one is MUCH better. More fun and funny... if your familiar with the various legends and work they've done.

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    1. Yay! Good to know I have people on my side about the boring aspect of the film, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

      I can pick out, say, about three scenes from it, and one of them is the video I linked, merely for the fact that I watched the scene again when I put it in this review!

      Yes, another person saying the sequel is better. Gives me hope, for sure. I'll just wait till it pops up online or comes out on DVD or something, since I only have funds for travelling and buying an odd few things at the moment, otherwise I'd go and check it out in the cinema.

      I am familiar with the some of the legends in the film, mostly Arnie (he's my man) and I have heard he is featured A LOT more in the sequel.

      Delete
  9. Although I found some of it enjoyable, I agree it was a good movie by any means. I was very disappointed during the first 30 minutes into the movie but I did like the last action scene. I have not seen the sequel, but it is said to be so much better. By the way, love your Millennium Falcon mouse cursor.

    -James

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    1. Like you, in these comments alone I've heard the sequel is better, so here is hoping! The disappointment about the whole film was a real bummer, been trying to watch it for years and had put it into a hype bubble if you will. Probably best if I had gone in there expecting nothing, as that's what I would have gotten on my part!

      Nice to know that you did find some bits of the film you did like, though.

      Haha thank you, James! Thought no one had noticed the Millennium Falcon cursor, or it wasn't working on some web browsers, but good to know that it is up and running for other people too!

      Delete
  10. Looking your post, I feel lucky that I have passed The Expendables. When the sequel was in the cinemas and people raved about it, I thought perhaps I should see it. But it didn't appeal to me when I saw the trailer couple of times.

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    1. Wow, just a year later I've seen this comment - have no idea why it didn't pop up in my email messages.

      I'd be interested now to see the basis of the sequel just because I honestly don't think that it could get more boring than the first one, which was the main issue.

      Delete

 

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