Weird Sex Scenes is an ongoing series on Can You Dig It? chronicling the creepiest, most puke-inducing and life-scarring sexy times popular culture has to offer. Check out more posts here.
One of my worst fears is having something sharp like a knife, pair of scissors, joss stick, etc. being inserted into my vagina. Unless I am kidnapped by someone who happened upon this blog entry of mine, tracked down my location, and proceeded to act out that dreaded nightmare, I highly doubt that this will ever happen in my lifetime.
After watching Teeth, a 2007 film labelled as a comedy/horror (not only is it neither of those genres, but it is only funny when it's trying really hard not to be) it's safe to say that having a deadly carnivorousness vagina wouldn't be a whole lot of fun, either. They play it out to as some source of womanly power (ha), but what if you were pissed off with your man and accidentally tore off half of his penis? Where would the sexy fun be in that? He can't even get a decent blow job without that section, nor would you be able to give him a decent blow job. Now that sucks.
Thanks to the fact that pretty much every single male human being the leading lady, Dawn, encounters in the film tries to have non-consensual sex with her in some way (penetrative or otherwise), which is a whole different issue in itself, Teeth does supply us with a fair decent amount of stupid weird sex scenes.
With that in mind, there was a bundle of scenes to choose from for this post so I came to the conclusion to select the key virginity part, where it all began and before she was chopping down on every Tom, Dick and Harry's genitals.
All virginal, religious good girl Dawn (because how can you be any different in a 'horror' film unless you're deemed as 'the slut' and how can you be religious and totally not be a virgin?) starts to get all these sexual urges after she realises she is attracted to one of her classmates and chastity ring-wearing comrade, Tobey. She's not put off by the fact that he has done the deed and disobeyed the Almighty's wishes. On the same night the shock revelation is revealed, she has a little private dream of her in a wedding dress with Tobey sexily removing her stockings or whatever the fuck those frilly things are. Damn.
She promises herself she won't sink into temptation. "Purity, purity, purity" is her mantra. But, that doesn't last long. She's a teenager for fucks sake. Whether you're using other means of to get yourself off (c'mon ladies, you know you've had a try on that pillow technique) it's going to happen sooner or later. Things start going on in those regions and you just wanna have a poke around, right? Feel the place out a little. Dawn's only human. With a killer vagina.
Taking along her new beau, Tobey, the two end up in the make out lake creak they explored with their friends the other day, and the sexual tension is just brimming. Both admit that they've had sexy sex fantasies about one another (aw). How could this not be the day for a little bit og tongue action and genital thrusting? HOW?
Chilling in swimwear, they start making out in the lake. After some of that tonsil tennis and some mantra 'purity' chanting, they climb up into the cave where they make out some more. Dawn doesn't want to have sex. Tobey does. Turns out he is a massive douchebag. He carries on fucking her. She eats his penis. He screams. She screams. He falls into the pits of the water beneath. And it's over.
Having sex for the first time in a cave must be pretty darn uncomfortable as it is. Having sex for the first time in a cave with a boy whose dick you ate with your vagina must be even more awkward. At least you wouldn't get the, "Hey that was fun, but I really gotta go," line before the dude swiftly heads out of the door, ready to brag about how crap you are in the sack at school.
We get plenty more scenes in this vein. All the guys end up being real shitbags, Dawn 'teaches them a lesson' and so on, so forth. The moral of the story is that every guy you will ever meet will try to bone you without your consent. What a wonderful life lesson.
Teeth falters pretty badly when the same shit just happens over, and over, and over, and over and over again. You get bored after seeing so many decapitated penis heads. It doesn't become fun anymore and any body who has a schlong probably wouldn't even be cringing behind a pillow by the closing shot of the film.
Credit where credit is due, though, Teeth does put the balls-to-the-wall and goes full frontal on these chopped dicks. The only other film I can remember of recent times going for a dick munching theme was Piranha 3DD where, you guessed it, a piranha eats off this guy's junk. Better than the dog incident later on in Teeth, anyway.
Along with that I never expected these scenes to be anything but weird and the film works in that respect. This scene is nasty as shit and the many dudes who suffer at the teeth of Dawn have some cracked out experiences, too. The creep ratings are sky high in this baby. (I'm talking about when we're introduced to the doctor. Best not to go there.)
As I said before, with your fair share of gored to the max sex scenes, it turns out that it kind of isn't the weirdest part of the film. Sure, they're weird, but it had to be that way. The oddest scenario out of the whole film is that the sex stuff is the best part of it and that is pretty disappointing.