What to do on Halloween when you have no friends

The time has arrived where it is socially acceptable to find decapitation, bodily mutilation and creepy mass-murdering children amusing in an entertainment context, even if it's just for 24 hours out of 365 days of the year. Better than nothing, right?

With one of my favourite seasons comes the hour for adults to wear questionable outfits like this:
Bit awkward to walk around in, no?

And some godly creations such as this:

Then there are the club events, the raves, the house parties, and the other happening gatherings taking place on October 31st that the cool peeps go to and only the cool peeps know about (i.e not me).

Scrolling down your Facebook feed can be a depressing void of loneliness if you haven't got anything planned, or your so-called friends have left you out in the lurch to spend the night curled up in your jammies on the couch, eating a disappointing toffee Revel after Revel, watching a repeat of Van Helsing on ITV2.

You may have been kept out of the festive gathers for this year, but you know what? Fuck it and fuck them. They don't know what they're missing when it comes to the art of a lonesome Halloween (this all coming from a professional stay-at-home inhabitant).

I've picked up some tips along the way from totaling up an extensive history of experience owning the best day of the year in style. You're gonna have a fantastic, ghoulish time.

You can wear more than one costume in the night

Couldn't decide what character you'd be dressing up as this year? Well, if you're planning on your own festive celebrations, safe in the comfort of your smelly room and not outside in the real world stepping in puddles of student vodka puke, you can switch up your costumes all evening long. Depending on how many outfits you've got collecting dust in your wardrobe, your one person party is ready for a fashionista overhaul whenever you please.

The bonus side to this is you can also wear a costume that you never thought would ever see the light of day and you'll avoid any judgmental stares and bitchy comments from complete strangers. Unless, like me, you're posting it to the internet where the whole world can see.

Dance to the trap version of Gangnam Style

That shit is scary and it ain't just my dancing I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.

Play creepy games in the dark and alone like you should

I tried filming myself playing Amenesia: The Dark Descent for the first time and capture the sound of me pissing my pants in the recording. I filmed the playthrough, got the footage and then tried to stop the video so I could start editing and show you wonderful people how to not play a horror game. 

I swear to God this is what happened when I tried to get the video. 

Watch Halloween: Resurrection 
Thank me later.

Binge on episodes of Mona the Vampire 

One of the most underrated shows in TV history with a funky intro to boot.

All the snacks you could ever want are at your disposal and you don't need to share them

In answer to the question of whether I will save some of the tasty sweets my mum specifically bought for trick or treaters who come knocking on our door, the answer is a big fat no.

Now fuck off and bother the next house down.

Oh, one more thing - don't even think about getting your box of eggs out. Ever seen T-1000 run?

Avoid awkward interactions with someone declaring their undying love for you

Celebratory seasons usually mean there is someone lurking in the distance, watching your every drunken move, waiting for their time to pounce and admit their harbouring, burning desire of wanting to bone you from afar.

Want to prolong this moment as long as possible?

Simple - stay safe and warm, away from the creeps of the world.

If your secret crusher decides to do it over Facebook, on the phone, or through text in a mashed stupor, well, most likely they'll forget it and it will be a heck of a lot less embarrassing than in person, face-to-face.

Someone who shall not be named experienced the horrors of this scenario. In her words she told me, " I want to swap lives with someone already. Where is the exchange policy at?"

Ladies and gentlemen, save yourself. Save yourselves now. 

No morning hangover, comedown or feeling like you've thrown up in your mouth a couple of times without realising (because you probably have)

Ah, the icing on the cake.

While you search Facebook on the dawn of the first day of November and see the amount of whining post-night-on-the-town statuses, you'll be sitting on your thrown of superiority, ready to take on the world as you laugh in the faces of the sea of people nursing headaches with more alcohol and a fry-up and trying to wash out the taste of last nights blow job and kebab.

You'll also remember what happened on Halloween and, if I do say so myself, it was probably fucking awesome.


  1. excellent. nothing more needs to be said rlly.

  2. Happy Halloween! That was a fun read. The pumpkin image throwing up made me laugh. I feel sorry for those trick or treaters, but as you say, they have plenty of other houses to stop by. The pink mask, isn't that from Spring Breakers?

    1. Glad to have entertained you Chris, and Happy Halloween to you too! (Bit sad that I found out Halloween: Resurrection is showing tomorrow and not today on TV, such god damn bad timing the BBC have).

      I originally wanted to get an image of someone throwing up in some kind of costume (yeah, gross, I know) and discovered that throwing up pumpkins seems to be quite common. Learn something every day, I guess.

      I actually did a beady-eye outside of my house and saw some prowling the street. I don't know if they were trick or treaters or not to be honest (only one was carrying a sword, the rest of 'em were dressed in normal jeans and hoodie attire). Not sure if I should have called the police, positive they were harmless though...maybe.

      Yes it is! It's hard to see the costume in full (a top from my mum that looks like a bathing suit) and a pair of trackies I tried to get in one of the shots, as I have a sea of those for pjs and the like anyway. Got it for about £2 on eBay. Successful purchase if I do say so myself. Not as cool as the ones I've seen online going about that looked like the real deal, but it'll do.

      Thanks for reading and hope you've got some festive fun in mind for tonight (or the day, depending on what time zones you're rocking now).




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