Weird Sex Scenes is an ongoing series on Can You Dig It? chronicling the creepiest, most puke-inducing and life-scarring sexy times popular culture has to offer. Check out more posts here.
Two completely inept douche bags, Spanky and Mert, are out on every teenagers lifelong quest - to get some fine pussy action. After scoring a bag full of magical weed from Mert's older brother's stash, the cherry-popping goal seems a lot nearer than peering through the next-door neighbour's bathroom window did. A classic move boys, but it only boasts a 0.2% success rate.
As with every hapless young adult adventure, Spanky and Mert go through the shitter trying to gain their first notch on the bedpost. While driving around town with two prostitutes they picked up on the way; heading towards a hip and happening party they were invited to thanks to their horny-tasting kush, the story rears its head in the direction of the inevitable police pull-over. Stoned off their tits, with a plastic baggie of that good old green still in their possession, Mert panics and chucks the stash out of the window before the stop and search begins.
Wrangling themselves out of the arrest, the duo try to retrace their steps to get the discarded bag and make a clean getaway. They find the home of the most likely culprit - a teenager hosting a birthday party for their three year old brother who is, without question, one of the most monstrous fictional children that I've ever come across.
I'd have no problem extending my right fist in the direction of this brattish little twerp's face:
|He's saying "Fuck" in this still. So cool and edgy.|
Okay well, how about now?
|Kill it with fire, kill it!|
Spanky and Mert unwittingly stumble upon an underground and very under-age sex party hosted by the sibling of the devil's child above. (He has a name that I care not to remember, the memories are far too painful as it is.)
Well, not quite.
Mert goes on a journey to find the weed so the two can jet, while Spanky is far more interested in getting his dick into working order, participating (mostly forced, but later he's into it) in a game of something called Slut. Fitting. (It's just spin the bottle, but why call it spin the bottle when you have a far better and sexier name?)
Okay folks, we've now reached the intermission stage. This is where my vocabulary will be stretched to its limits (even more so than usual) as I try to find the best way to describe this scene without you requiring a utensil of some description to contain your puke.
Coming from an experienced vomit trained master like myself - that is mostly always down to alcohol -, here are a selection of items you should think about acquiring before reading on since the toilet will be too far away:
A jazzy, colourful bowl
A Plastic bag
Kitchen roll (toilet paper will just not do)
Hair bands (for anyone with long hair so it doesn't get in the way of your puke - really useful)
If you source out some of the above equipment for this perilous journey, you really value your own life. If you opt out and want to go down this dangerous path commando style you are the owner of much bigger kahunas than I.
|Spanky getting his groove on.|
So we're still with The Spankster playing an exhilarating game of Slut. When it is his turn to twist the bottle, it lands on The Skank sign, which means he is the lucky winner of getting his hands on an unnamed chick who will get you to do anything and everything with her body, no questions asked.
Spanky is led to the room with the legend herself, who is spread out on the bed in the nude and ready for her next victim.
Totally hot, right? No. No, no, no, no, no.
|I'd rather watch this disgusting display for the film's next 40 minutes then what's about to come next.|
It's a now or never situation for me, so let's get this shit over and done with so I never have to type or read these words again.
Once Mert finds the missing bag of weed with only a few joints to spare, he barges in on Spanky going down on The Skank. The brightly lit room not only reveals what Spanky was doing, but who he was doing it with.
I'm closing my eyes for this one.
|Hi, I'm Spanky's little sister and I know he can't eat pussy for shit because he ate mine one time.|
I actually did it.
My mission is complete - the baton of incest knowledge is yours to carry now. I know this is cruel of me to do. You read this whole damn thing just to become the next victim of Sex Pot and learn of this scene that I have been trying to cast out ever since it sucked its way into my feeble, innocent mind. All I ever wanted was fulfilment in life and to carry on with my days without a massive burden weighing down my every decision, making me less and less of a human being with each hour.
This was the day I've been waiting for and finally I am free. Free to frolic in the fields before me; to sing with the tweeting birds at dawn, no longer wishing I could be as happy as them because now that is my reality.
I'm truly sorry for what I had to do, but please know it was with the best intentions. I refrained from sister and brotherly sexual imagery in this post because I care about you and what happens now that you are in on the secret. (And also because my blog isn't that kind of blog.)
I hope one day we can put this mess behind us and be friends once more.