I swear that you have like, I don’t know, this magnetic pull or something that draws us to it. I can’t stop looking; I don’t want to stop looking. It’s beautiful.
I remember when I first saw you on some YouTube video covering Chris Brown’s With You. Even then I knew that your hair would be a star. There was a special quality about it. It was sort of a bowl cut, but you made it yours like no one had ever had that same style. It sat on your head effortlessly. You were made for each other.
In your debut single, One Time, you said you were “killing it” while playing some Xbox game with your bro. You know what you were killing, Justin? Your hair game. It was on point. So on point.
When you were chirpsing up that girl in Usher’s yard in the video, you were wearing a snapback and I almost cried. How could you hide such beauty? Your hair is you, Justin, and you had to cover it up so no one could see? I’ll never get over that.
Baby came out and that’s when your career exploded. Your hair has never been more enchanting. Every boy had your hair. Every one of them. Trying to emulate such groomed perfection is hard, though, and really none of those attempts compared to the original. I mean, how could they?
Whenever you’d flick your perfectly coloured locks, my heart would break in unison with thousands of other girls. How’d you do it? Make us all feel the same emotion, at the same time? It's damn near witchcraft.
Then the Selina-era happened and the change was obvious. You were in love, man. I could see it, we all could. Your hair glistened like never before. It’d be pretty much 99.9% impossible not to fall for Selina’s long, dark curls.
What about that time you went to the 2011 American Music Awards, your hair slick like Don Draper’s? The colour changed, too. From light browns, to more darkish tones. It looked good, no matter what.
Boyfriend really took the new style to the extreme. It was a different you, quiffed and not giving a fuck. I liked it. Tyga said his money “look Yoda” in Wait For A Minute, but he was wrong. It’s your hair, Justin. It’s eternal, it has Jedi powers. It can do no wrong.
I can never second guess where your hair is going and that’s what keeps me waiting. All That Matters and Confident raised your hair game - the shaved bit on the side became more refined; the rock hard quiff more evident. Fewer reminders of Selina were left, showing that you were becoming your own hair.
Then this happened, and the haters clamoured round their keyboards and phones, Twitter puns at the ready.
You’ll hear people crying out that it’s wrong, you shouldn’t look like that. It’s the media again, isn’t it? Always trying to say bad things about your hair; always trying to make out that you’re the bad guy in this. Justin’s hair, you’re not. You could never be the wrong doer. You’re a trendsetter - you had the bleached blonde look when you were way younger. Shit, you can totally be the new Eminem’s hair. You have what it takes.
So, do what you do best and ignore them all, every last one of the hair haters. Start up a pop-punk band, bring that back like I know you can.
Just remember one thing - there isn’t anything quite like your hair, Justin. And I don’t think there ever will be.